The past couple of weeks have been some very long and hard ones for us. So, forgive me if my thoughts are kind of jumbled up. I just needed to be able to put it down and see if that helps clear my mind some.
With the way the economy is, everyone that has a job should feel very lucky, as well as, blessed. Bryce learned a month or two ago that the hospital was going to be making some cuts. We were a little nervous that Bryce might be one of the ones to lose his job, since he has only been at the hospital a little over 2 years. Well, Bryce kept his job, but unfortunately 45 others did not. The only setback for us (which I guess it depends on how you look at it), is that Bryce will no longer be on day shift. He will be working nights again. Even though, I am very grateful that he still has a job, I am nervous about what I am going to do with the kids during the day while he is trying to sleep. I know that everything work out the way it needs to, I just have to keep reminding myself.
I have also been having some health issues. Actually, I have been having them for over a year now and finally will get some closure from it all this week. I have had lots of female issues for years, but since I had Sara, my body decided to become even more crazy. I went to my family doctor to try and figure out what was going. After 9 months, I decided to go to my OBGYN. The first thing she asked me and Bryce was, were we done having children. Boy, was that a bit of a shock to me. We of course said that we had no idea. So, we made a game plan and then we went home and talked and talked and talked. I couldn't really make a decision one way or another. I finally asked Bryce what he thought we should do and he said that we needed to be done having kids. I guess, there was a part of me that knew that the decision was the right one. It is just a very hard decision to make when you are only 29, with 2 young children. I researched the procedure that the doctor wanted to do and I just wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do for me. So, once again Bryce and I had a lengthy discussion and finally came to the decision for me to have a partial hysterectomy. Basically, I will keep my ovaries and then have everything else taken out. So, as of Friday, I will no longer be able to have children.
I keep trying to tell myself that I am so lucky to have 2 healthy, beautiful, and happy children. I know that there are so many families out there that can't have any biological children of their own. But, in all honesty, I am so very sad. I am sad that I will never get to experience being pregnant again. I am sad that I will never get to hold my own newborn again. I am sad that I am not able to give Cooper and Sara a little brother or sister. I am sad that I will not be able to give Bryce another child. I am sad that I feel like a failure as a woman. So, on Friday my life will change drastically once again. I just pray that everything goes smoothly and that my recovery is fast.
5 months ago