Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Just Some Random Thoughts

The past couple of weeks have been some very long and hard ones for us. So, forgive me if my thoughts are kind of jumbled up. I just needed to be able to put it down and see if that helps clear my mind some.

With the way the economy is, everyone that has a job should feel very lucky, as well as, blessed. Bryce learned a month or two ago that the hospital was going to be making some cuts. We were a little nervous that Bryce might be one of the ones to lose his job, since he has only been at the hospital a little over 2 years. Well, Bryce kept his job, but unfortunately 45 others did not. The only setback for us (which I guess it depends on how you look at it), is that Bryce will no longer be on day shift. He will be working nights again. Even though, I am very grateful that he still has a job, I am nervous about what I am going to do with the kids during the day while he is trying to sleep. I know that everything work out the way it needs to, I just have to keep reminding myself.

I have also been having some health issues. Actually, I have been having them for over a year now and finally will get some closure from it all this week. I have had lots of female issues for years, but since I had Sara, my body decided to become even more crazy. I went to my family doctor to try and figure out what was going. After 9 months, I decided to go to my OBGYN. The first thing she asked me and Bryce was, were we done having children. Boy, was that a bit of a shock to me. We of course said that we had no idea. So, we made a game plan and then we went home and talked and talked and talked. I couldn't really make a decision one way or another. I finally asked Bryce what he thought we should do and he said that we needed to be done having kids. I guess, there was a part of me that knew that the decision was the right one. It is just a very hard decision to make when you are only 29, with 2 young children. I researched the procedure that the doctor wanted to do and I just wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do for me. So, once again Bryce and I had a lengthy discussion and finally came to the decision for me to have a partial hysterectomy. Basically, I will keep my ovaries and then have everything else taken out. So, as of Friday, I will no longer be able to have children.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am so lucky to have 2 healthy, beautiful, and happy children. I know that there are so many families out there that can't have any biological children of their own. But, in all honesty, I am so very sad. I am sad that I will never get to experience being pregnant again. I am sad that I will never get to hold my own newborn again. I am sad that I am not able to give Cooper and Sara a little brother or sister. I am sad that I will not be able to give Bryce another child. I am sad that I feel like a failure as a woman. So, on Friday my life will change drastically once again. I just pray that everything goes smoothly and that my recovery is fast.

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2 comments:

Rachel Sue said...

My heart is aching for you. I hope the pain eases up quickly. Good lucky with the surgery. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Chad and Jaycie Cole said...

Jodie, you are NOT a failure as a woman and never will be. You are a wonderful mother. Cooper and Sara are so lucky to have you to teach them in this life the way they are to live and grow. You have a beautiful family that's full of love.

I hope all goes well and you feel at peace soon. I'll keep in touch! Luvs!